FXCL
by dialNforNinja
Summary: It turns out Naruto isn't QUITE so all alone in the world as he thought. Naturally, it's the duty of his newly discovered family to teach the skills of being a REAL Ninja, such as how to flip out and kill people, or to wail on the guitar... Totally sweet!
1. Chapter 1

Foxy Cooly

A Crowning Moment of Bwah!

Clutching the bento (packed with the feelings of a young girl's heart, shannaro!) nervously, Sakura was just about to offer it to Sasuke when the interruption came with a roar.

"So, you're that 'Sakura-chan' Naruto-bozu likes."

The woman had spiky pink hair, a scarf and leather cap, and was sitting astride some kind of sputtering contraption with clouds of dust still settling around its small, odd looking wheels. She pushed a pair of goggles up onto her forehead to reveal golden eyes with slit pupils as she stood, leaned in FAR TOO CLOSE to peer at the girl's face, and sniffed dubiously.

Flabbergasted and fighting the sudden irrational urge to check her armpits, it was all she could do to stutter out, "Y-yes, I'm Haruno Sakura. Um... pleased ... to meet you?"

"Not much spirit," the apparition commented, before snatching the box lunch from shock-loosened fingers. "Let's see your cooking."

Outrage shoved suprise out of the way for long enough to shout, "Hey, that bento is for Sasuke-kun! Give it back, you thief!"

"Better, better," the stranger mumbled, whisking the cloth wrapping off with a flick despite the carefully tied knot. In a blur the contents disappeared, rice, veggies, fish, heart-shaped sauce doodle, and all. "Cooking: bland," she declared tossing the empty box over a shoulder, carelessly beaning the Uchiha scion smirking at his fangirl's misfortune. He fell on his ass with a thump and clutched his forehead.

The woman belched and wiped a few stray grains of rice on her cuff before crossing her arms and wrinkling her nose contemplatively.

Blank eyed with shock again, Sakura barely reacted as the older girl stepped behind her and felt her biceps. "Not much muscle," was the verdict. Questing hands slid forward, then down to her hips, and a massive blush rose on the student kunoichi's face. "Flat and scrawny," the slightly nasal voice reported. Then the wierd stranger was in front of her again, still looking at Sakura like something scraped off the sole of her shoe. "Is she at least a good kisser?" she wondered, turning to Sasuke to ask, "You're the one she's been chasing up to now, how is this girl at mouth-to-mouth?"

Still clutching at the rapidly swelling mark on his forehead, the boy snarled, "Feh, kiss her yourself and find out, you violent pervert woman. Ow, dammit, it feels like that box cracked my skull!"

Brushing his hands away she took the projecting nub between finger and thumb and tugged sharply. "Aw, it's just a toothpick," she told him, before using it to flick a bit of pickled daikon out from between her teeth. Somehow Sasuke felt like curling into a ball and crying in shame.

Sakura was still rooted to the ground, failing to process the situation as the woman turned to her once more and huffed.

She discarded the toothpick and wiped her lips again, musing, "Well, like they say, if you want something done right..."

Moving with that same strange, unavoidable speed and almost boneless grace, she stepped in, tipped the younger girl's head back, and laid on a good thirty seconds of liplock. Coming up for air, the stranger sighed and made a disappointed moue.

Watching from across the schoolyard, Kiba and several other boys were knocked over backward by the force of sudden nosebleeds.

Patting the now slightly teary-eyed girl on the head, she told her, "Don't worry too much, that takes practice." The scowl on the woman's face softened as she brushed Sakura's long pink bangs back and ran one callused fingertip across her forehead. "I do like your hair, though, and there's obviously some good potential for the N. O. hijutsu..."

Suddenly sporting a manic grin, the older pink haired girl reared back and proclaimed, "OK! Under the name of Uzumaki, I, Uzumaki Haruko, pronounce you Bridal Candidate #1! Arranged marriage interview, APPROVED!"

"Eh! Eh? EH!" Sakura sputtered.

Ino stopped smacking Shikamaru for being a pervert, and fell over herself laughing.

Hinata collapsed in a dead feint, just out of sight around a corner.

Haruko nodded descisively, hopped back on her scooter, and putted off.

Iruka walked out of the Academy building and asked, "What's going on here, lunch time is over. Everyone, back to class!"

Sakura was still frozen where she stood. "Muh... My... first kiss..." she stammered.

EOF


	2. Chapter 2

Foxy Cooly

Go Ahead and Smash the Glass

Iruka had given up on getting Sakura to come in for afternoon classes when a reminder that it would be the end of her perfect attendance record was only met with mumbles about lunch-thieves, and she was still standing there as the end of the school day arrived, though the red on her face was more sunburn than blush by then.

It wasn't until classes were released and Sasuke stopped to stand in front of her that she did more than mumble and quiver occasionally - not that he cared how she was doing at all, but he was mildly curious despite himself, and it was a distraction from the stomach turning feelings of inadequacy that had dogged him throughout the second half of the day.

He was slightly surprised but not alarmed when the girl snapped to awareness, and not at all prepared when she suddenly grabbed him by the shoulders.

"C'MERE!" Sakura shouted maniacally, jerking her crush into range to deliver a boneshaking headbutt. Somewhat woozily and exhibiting rarely seen strength, she hauled the last Leaf Village Uchiha over a shoulder and started running off with the stunned boy, cackling, "My first kiss may have been stolen, but the next ones are all for Sasuke-kun, shannaro!"

Ino, who'd started to feel a bit bad about laughing at Sakura the way she had after the fact, was just a bit too slow to react. She'd just started to dash after her former friend and now love rival before abductor and abductee alike vanished around a street corner, a taunting cry of "Go suck on a lemon, Ino-pig!" drifting back drifting back on the breeze. Try as she might, the blonde could find no trace of of either for the rest of the afternoon, until she had to head home for supper.

* * *

><p>Naruto was lying on the roof of his apartment, staring up at the sky in shock. He'd been doing it all day, since being called out of classes that morning by one of the Hokage's aides... since running away from the office and ducking away from the admin-nin who tried to catch him before he escaped the tower.<p>

He had family.

The Old Man had been in his office when he arrived, waiting with woman who had spiky hair about the same color as Sakura-chan's, and he'd immediately started asking if she was related to his crush, there to set up an arranged marriage for the two of them like the characters in the manga he found under a bench last week. It was such an obvious fit, after all, him being an awesome fighter and Sakura-chan over-reacting and hitting him when he said stuff that came out wrong. Then Hokage-jiji had managed to get a few words in when he stopped to inhale and introduced her, introduced her as Uzumaki Haruko.

His family had left him here, left him for years while she went on some long trip outside the village.

All that time alone... All that time with NO ONE, he could have had someone to come home to, someone to tell him it was all right, someone to hug him when people acted like jerks and he couldn't hold back the tears when he tried to get to sleep. He should hate that woman for abandoning him like that! He should just tell her to stay away from him, if she couldn't bother to be around before! Who did she think she was? He'd gotten along then, and he could keep going on his own just fine! He could make everyone recognize him and become Hokage without any help from her!

He knew why everyone hated him. About the kyuubi.

The first words out of her mouth had been, "Aw, you've grown so much, Naruto-bozu. How's my little demon-tamer, you kicking that sealed-up fox's ass?" Gramps had been furious, shouting about how that was some big S-rank secret and she could be executed for talking about it, but he'd cut off like throwing a light switch at Naruto's stammering demands for an explanation. In the end Hokage-jiji had explained about how the Kyuubi couldn't be killed and had to be sealed instead, sealed into a newborn baby. Haruko had added that she'd agreed it should be him out of the many births that day, not trusting that power to anyone else. At least she'd taken care of him for the first few years, until she'd worked out an even better sealing method and left on her quest. When he'd asked why the hell she thought it was a good idea to leave a little kid behind by himself, she'd pouted and replied, "Maa, you had Flying Monkey here, didn't you? Besides, it was important..." Then she'd pulled the goggles off her forehead with a giggle, and a seal glowed into visibility, like a Y with a gear behind it, glowing bright red even as her eyes flared with energy like the entire sky full of stars condensed into two pools of liquid fire. She'd offered only a single word of explanation, something foreign sounding. He sounded it out again to the sunset-painted clouds floating high overhead. "Ah-to-mo-su-ku..."

Even with the fox-demon sealed inside him...

Even if she hadn't been there for him since he was three...

He wasn't the only Uzumaki. He wasn't the only one with a demon inside him. He didn't have to be alone any more...

... if he could just forgive her for being alone up until now. He wondered if the Old Man had told her what his life was like after he escaped. Probably, he guessed... Families were supposed to know about that kind of stuff, right? With a sigh, the blond boy kicked his legs and flipped up to his feet and scrubbed his fingers through his hair. He wiped the broody frown off his face as he jumped down to a balcony in favor of something approaching his usual grin. No use acting like some mopey emochiha, after all. Tomorrow he'd go see Gramps again and ask him to have her come...

"AAH! WHAT THE HELL!" he demanded, pointing at Haruko as she stood at the stove, hair up in a bun and wearing an apron as she stirred something steaming in a pot.

"Fury?" Haruko vocalized questioningly, turning to look at him. Something red-orange and bubbling dripped off the ladle when she waved it in greeting, prompting another outburst.

"AND WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU MAKING IN MY SUPER-EXTRA-HUGE SPECIAL OCCASION RAMEN POT?" demanded Naruto.

"Curry?" she replied, almost uncertainly. As if unsure herself, she dipped out a spoonful and tasted it, then nodded in approval. Several spice bottles stood empty on the counter beside her, none of which had contained pre-made curry mix.

Hopping up and down with reawakened anger, the boy dropped that line of questioning in favor of his real grievance. "DAMMIT, WHY THE HELL DID YOU LEAVE ME HERE WHEN EVERYONE BUT ME KNEW ABOUT THAT FURRY BASTARD AND MADE MY LIFE MISERABLE?"

"Furry?" she paused, holding a knuckle to her lips contemplatively.

"FOX! THE FUCKING NINE TALES FOX, THE THING THAT MAKES ALL KONOHA TREAT ME LIKE THE CHESTNUT THEY FOUND IN THEIR SHOE!"

"Kuri?" (Japanese for chestnut)

"SPIKY AND INCONVENIENT AND ONLY PAID ATTENTION TO UNTIL THEY SHAKE IT OUT, AND CAN GO BACK TO IGNORING me..." he trailed off, snorting mucus back from dripping out of his nose, and scrubbed at his eyes with the palms of his hands. He would NOT cry! Never again! Nothing would get solved by tears!

Haruko took him into a hug, promising, "Well, now I'm here and you won't have that kind of furry kuri anymore, Naruto-kun."

He clung tight, despite how the spicy stains on the apron made his eyes water. It's not like there could be any other reason, after all, and it wasn't like he'd forgiven her already just because she gave him a hug and was there to greet him when he came home and was cooking a meal to eat together. No way.

* * *

><p>Though Sasuke had managed to get over his concussion after a couple of hours and escape, Sakura still giggled happily to herself as she sauntered home. 'That takes practice,' that freaky woman had mocked her, after stealing her precious first kiss! Well, Sakura had shown her! "I practiced all right, practiced with my hunky Sasuke-kun, and now I'm ten times better at kissing than that crazy violent pinkie! Call me flat and scrawny will she? Hah! It's not like she had that much more, and she's OLD! Hahaha, Haruno Sakura will know no defeat in looks or love, SHANNARO!" she proclaimed to the dusky evening sky. Now if only the bruise from that headbutt would stop swelling; it was like she was growing some kind of giant freaky horn for crying out loud...<p>

* * *

><p>NOTES:the title comes from the last line of an early Def Leppard song, Mirror Mirror. I might have just used the title, but then people would think it was something to do with Star Trek. Mainly it refers to Inner Sakura smashing out of her good-girl mask and taking over, since wimpy early-canon Suckura just ticks me off. Seriously, except for that one battle in the Forest of Death, in any confrontation not involving Naruto or Ino she follows a two step program: A) Freeze, followed by B) Cry. And a big ol' double deuce to you too, Kishimoto.<p>

You may want to imagine the scene when Naruto comes in from the roof in FLCL 'manga style' animation. I know I did, but adding panel descriptions to the narration was crappy.

It occurs to me that the whole 'angel of black fire' thing from FLCL takes on new meaning when one considers the Amaterasu technique... Perhaps Telebi-kun is a robo-Uchiha?


	3. Chapter 3

Foxy Cooly

Can It Be? Can You See That Hybrid Rainbow?

"Hmmm... What's with this suspicious looking new style?" Ino asked, voice dripping with false sweetness. "You know, I gave you that ribbon so you could STOP hiding that forehead of yours, not to make it even easier."

"Cut it out, Ino-pig," Sakura growled, irritably brushing away the hand poking at her red hair ribbon, today being worn around her temples instead of its usual position tying her hair back behind her ears. "I just felt like trying something different, to commemorate my victory in love..." Her voice voice trailed off as her mind was swept away by memories, to a rose-bordered world of butterflies and chirping songbirds, where Sasuke stared dreamily into her eyes as they shared kiss after sweet kiss in a secluded grove. A crow was squawking something about bee women and marks in the distance, but she ignored it, draping her arms around his shoulders and leaning in toward that alabaster skin and pouty lips... Wow, what a kiss! This had to bee the best yet, even better than yesterday when she actually had Sasuke-kun all to herself and... WHAT!

Her daydream was rudely interrupted as she snapped back to reality only to discover the most horrifyingly traumatic thing she could imagine... The shoulders she'd grabbed, the skin, the lips... The lips kissing her back instead of flopping in a comatose daze weren't Sasuke's. The skin, smooth and healthy and tanned from long days in the sun wasn't either. The shoulders, a bit wider and firm with young lean muscle had no lingering baby fat like Sasuke's... The deep blue eyes, slowly drooping to half-lidded from wide-eyed shock definitely weren't Sasuke's...

She was kissing Naruto. She'd grabbed /Naruto/ and kissed him. She'd climbed halfway onto the desk, leaned down to /clasp/ /NARUTO/ /to/ /her/ /breast/ and /kiss/ him. And he was kissing her back. And he was good at it. Good enough to make Sasuke look like a concussion victim who just couldn't fight back, whose feeble protests were being drowned in her...

While Sakura quietly turned to stone and crumbled into little bits of mortified gravel, Ino gaped and Naruto whooped in joy. "YEAH, *YEAH!"* he shouted. "Haruko-mom told me she arranged it, but I never expected Sakura-chan to greet her future husband with a kiss!" He capered about the front of the classroom joyfully as the gravel turned to dust and blew away on icy howling winds.

"AAH! I knew it!" Ino shouted, jumping back a step so she could point at Sakura's ribbon-covered forehead. "The Bee Woman put a mark on you yesterday because you're a pervert! A scarlet woman! What horrible things did you subject poor Sasuke-kun to, you foul temptress!"

In the back row, Hinata was well on the way to crumbling and blowing away herself. "F-f-f-future husband...?" she whispered, face gone as pale as her Hyuuga eyes.

"Lady of evening! Slag! MAN-THIEF!" Ino's tirade wasn't letting up, even as the rest of the class noticed the situation and gossip filled the air.

Seeing emotional salvation arriving in the form of a certain dark-haired Uchiha walking through the door, Sakura pulled herself together and pounced lips-first to wipe away the mental trauma and publicly claim what she'd made hers the day before.

Instead, she found herself kissing the bottom of a sandal, and between her momentum, surprise, and a push from the footwear's owner found herself a moment later flat on her back with an ache at the back of her head where it had been knocked into the floor and a coppery taste from where Sasuke's foot was still mashing her lips against her front teeth. "You stay the hell away from me," he growled. "Since just ignoring you failed, I'm adopting the methods you used on the dead last. If you bother me, I will beat you." Looking up, he turned a venomous glare first on Ino to stall her own glomp, then swept it around the room to cover his fan club. "That goes for the rest of you annoying females as well," he added. "If you have time to squeal over romance, train and get stronger. I have no time to waste on /love."/ He took his foot off Sakura's face and wiped it against the floor ass if he'd stepped in something unpleasant, but was cut off by an orange-suited interruption before he could get to a desk and sit down.

*"Hey!* you can't treat Sakura-chan like that! You bastard, I'll-"

"Uzumaki! Hallway, buckets, now! Everyone else, find your seat and settle down." Mizuki, Iruka's assistant teacher had arrived, and was quick to break up the confrontation by sending the class troublemaker out to do a disciplinary stamina exercise and having the rest sit for roll call. Grumbling and with many an over the shoulder scowl for his nemesis, the blond boy filled a pair of buckets and complied. A few minutes later he got an extra half hour added to the punishment and had to hold them at shoulder height as well, as he kept muttering obscenities when Iruka arrived and greeted him before entering to start class.

* * *

><p>"Hmm, this creates kind of a nostalgic feeling."<p>

Sakura had been waiting at a crossroad while a tight-spaced caravan of heavily loaded merchant wagons passed, the shouting of the drovers, lowing of the oxen, and clicking of the iron-rimmed wheels against the stone paved street hiding the sputter of the crazy-woman's odd vehicle as it pulled up, at least until she spoke. Being lost in thought probably hadn't helped either - between kissing her most unwanted suitor, Sasuke's too-literally forceful rejection, and the taunts and recriminations of the other girls for driving Sasuke away from them all, her day had been utter crap. She'd halfway persuaded herself to go to Konoha General Hospital and get the huge ump that was still trying to pop out of her forehead from under the ribbon checked out, though crawling into a corner to die of humiliation had its own appeal as well.

At the sound of that slightly nasal voice, indelibly etched in her memory despite having heard it for the first time only briefly the day before, she instead spun and jabbed a finger at the older pinkette. "YOU!" Sakura shouted. "This is all your fault! Suddenly appearing yesterday; doing those weird things!"

Peering at the ribbon tied tight over the younger girl's forehead, Haruko ignored the accusation to ask, "Yesterday... After I left, something happened, didn't it?"

Brushing aside the sour memories that just this morning had held the rush of sweet festival wine demanded, "Never mind any of that, what were you thinking doing those things? You stole my first kiss, you unnatural woman!"

"You hit your head, didn't you?" Haruko persisted. "It left a mark, a lump, a bump, didn't it. Something... Extraordinary?"

"There's nothing extraordinary!" the girl denied, "Nothing except Sasuke-kun suddenly turning against me, the one who should hold his heart! After you did those pervy things... Those old stories are true, you did those things and now I can't get married!"

Trying to hook a finger on the ribbon and pull it loose, Haruko swiped her hand at the young kunoichi. "No need to hide it, don't worry about your marriage interview now. Show me what you've got!"

Dodging the grab, Sakura's temper hit its limit. "SHANNARO! That's it, pervert woman! Time to die!" Her eyes blazed with infernal fire as she ripped up a signpost with adrenaline fueled strength. It was blocked by Haruko's dual-neck guitar with a mighty, musical crash, many more following in quick succession as the pair dueled their way back down the street, interspersed with more ordinary impacts from the younger's occasional missed blows.

As the scene vanished in confusion as clouds of dust, Hinata slumped back from where she'd been about to speak. A trickle of blood snuck out of one nostril, thinking about how that conversation could be taken out of context (or even in context, after what happened at lunch the day before) and she pressed her fingertips together in the nervous habit that usually only appeared around a different Uzumaki entirely. "Ano..." she mumbled to herself disappointedly, "I wanted to ask... about becoming a ... B-bridal Candidate..."

* * *

><p>I'd planned to have an action sequence for this part, but couldn't decide on what to send through the N.O. Gate - due to Sakura's high compatibility with the technique the energy Haruko used to check it when she ran her finger across Sakura's forehead combined with the impact of the Glasgow Kiss she used to stun Sasuke and drag him off to create one, but since it didn't have a specified target Medical Mechanica was able to detect it and send one of their Atomsk-hunting robots through. The question in my mind is whether it should be a Handbot kaiju or the smaller, Incredible Hulk size white type like the one that got an arm through in FLCL ep1 and the rest separately later, in pursuit of Telebi-kun. I lean towards a Handbot so I can have it land against the Hokage monument as if picking one of the faces' nose when it's defeated, but that doesn't leave a lot of room for power progression later. I would very much appreciate feedback on this topic.<p>

Haruko looks the same age as she did in FLCL despite that being a few years in the past. For that matter, she'd look the same in flashbacks to the kyuubi attack or being with baby Naruto. It's a space monster thing, I guess...

As a side note, there is an actual medical product company called Mekanica, which makes spinal implants of some sort - braces for people with birth defects or degenerative conditions from the impression I got skimming their web page.


	4. Chapter 4

Foxy Cooly

Answer to the (Prank) Master

Except for one thing, Naruto would have said it was a lame, normal day from the time he was sent out of class. Well, two things, really, because even holding stupid buckets in the hall wasn't enough to dampen the happiness of having Haruko-mom see him off in the morning, let alone Sakura-chan greeting him with a kiss when he arrived at class. He'd never skip a day again if she did that! Plus, being in the hall meant he didn't have to look dumb when everyone handed in the homework from yesterday that he hadn't been in class to get.

But then Sasuke came in and was mean to her and stuff while Naruto was distracted celebrating. What a big jerk! First he ignores her when she was always nice to him, then when she finally figures out that he's just a mopey bastard instead of 'cool and mysterious' or whatever, he picks on her!

Naruto wasn't going to let anyone get away with being mean to Sakura-chan, especially not after she kissed him, and definitely not Sasuke! This called for orange justice, but how? He'd long learned that simple plans were best, because there was less to go wrong, but at the same time Sasuke could detect and avoid most of the classics. He rolled his wrists so the buckets hung off his palms instead of by the curled fingers and thought about it some more.

Obviously, the punishment had to fit the crime, so that meant he had to knock the teme on the floor, preferably in a way that made him get trampled. There was no way Naruto could sneak well enough to get at his feet directly - bastard always knew if someone was in his 'bubble' - and just tripping him was too lame and would instantly get Naruto in trouble.

"Man, standing with buckets is so boring!" he complained to himself. He started doing toe-ups to keep the fidgets at bay.

Maybe he could do something during PT? The class always had to run laps as part of their warm-up, and Sasuke was always showing off and passing everyone - if he did it just right, the whole class might trample that jerk's face into the dirt! But that still left the question of how to do it...

Naruto shifted the buckets again, so now the handles were at the last joint of each finger. He lifted and lowered them in unison with his continuing toe-ups. Maybe he should get three buckets next time, so then he could juggle them? Remembering how he almost put an eye out trying to juggle kunai waiting for his turn at target practice the week before, Naruto decided he should probably work on that skill a little more first, to keep from having to spend the day in soggy clothes.

Could he 'accidentally drop' a kunai so it would stick in the ground and trip the jerk as he passed? Even real kunai weren't usually that sharp, let alone the crappy blunt things Academy students were allowed to buy. Most of the time an older ninja would get at least one good set for students to practice properly with, and while he'd scavenged a few that had been lost in training areas he wouldn't want to have one confi...

A wave of happiness crashed through Naruto again, as he remembered that /he/ had an older relative now, that Haruko-mom had even promised to go shopping with him this afternoon and replace all his gear, since most of it was still the same stuff she bought for him just before leaving, when he entered the Academy two years early. It had been so long he'd barely been able to remember even with her in front of him, the way a hug felt like home or the smell of skin, light perfume, and spices, nuzzled up to her shoulder. But if the stuff was going to be replaced anyway...

"Nihihihi..." he suppressed the mischievous giggle as best he could - no point giving anyone warning after all - and vibrated with eagerness to get on with the prank now that he had a plan.

* * *

><p>By the time Naruto's assigned punishment had elapsed, Iruka was wrapping up the discussion of the previous day's homework. Physical training was next, but first... Well, Uzumaki was a troublemaker and carried the fox Iruka hated, but it was only fair to at least give the kid the chance to turn in his work like everyone else, and he knew class discussion could be heard from the hall if you bothered to listen. While Mizuki collected the assignments he went to the door, and found Naruto dancing in place, arms flailing to keep the buckets relatively stable as he twisted and hopped.<p>

Most students would be near the point of total exhaustion in their arm muscles by now, he thought with a sigh, half resigned and half jealous. Even to a chuunin like himself, the kid's stamina was incredible. If only he put the same kind of effort in the rest of his studies as in exercising... Aloud, he said, "Naruto, you can turn in you work now if you got the assignments from yesterday. Otherwise, put away the buckets and join the class for PT."

"FINALLY!" the boy shouted. Still gyrating madly in place, he demanded, "How was I supposed to get that homework stuff, the Old Man's minion came to get me barely after roll call you know?"

"Even if your meeting had taken the whole day, you should still have asked one of your classmates," the teacher chided. That he didn't believe the business had really taken that long was plain in his voice and expression.

"Yeah, whatever, Iruka-sensei," Naruto grumbled, hopping from foot to foot. "Anyway, I'll get right out to the practice field, but first I really gotta pee!"

The water in one bucket sloshed over slightly and splashed onto the floor as his student broke for the boys' restroom, leaving Iruka to sigh once more as he watched the hyperactive child leave. Crouching, he wiped it up with a handkerchief before heading back inside to herd the rest of the class out for their exercise period.

* * *

><p>After finishing his business in the restroom, Naruto took a few seconds to prepare for the prank before heading outside to join the class. They started running just as he reached the group, so he simply fell into the crowd and kept going, taking it easy for once and just keeping ahead of the largest cluster instead of racing with Sasuke and Kiba like he usually did. Sure enough, those drew rapidly drew ahead and lapped them, with the mutt a bit behind, also as usual. Stupid Uchiha showoff.<p>

As Sasuke passed, the whiskered blond flicked the smoke bomb he'd palmed earlier at the ground under the other boy's feet, the impact of his rival's step setting it off even as he slipped on the spherical nin-tool. Grinning devilishly, Naruto 'tripped over' the sudden obstacle himself, playing it up by pitching forward and flailing his arms as he stumbled across the Uchiha's back. Kiba was still thundering along next, too fast to stop or turn in time, and then the cloud of smoke was too thick for the main group of students to see anything.

Just for kicks, Naruto tossed a couple of stink-smoke bombs as well before hurriedly rolling out of the cloud, ostentatiously patting himself down for injuries. As the now impressively foul-smelling miasma blew away it revealed a pile of complaining student ninja all struggling to get to their feet and mostly just getting in each other's way, with only Sasuke's pale, twitching hand sticking out from one side.

"Haha! (snort) Oh no," Naruto chortled. "My equipment pouch (snicker) got a hole in it, and all my (hahaha!) smoke bombs fell out! Sasuke- (snort) Sasuke must have stepped right on one, hahaha! Must be bad karma I guess!" Unable to control himself any longer, the young demon container crumpled up laughing, at least until the teachers finished untangling the other students. He had to run double the laps for making fun of his classmates but since the pouch really did have a hole in the bottom (courtesy of a quick kunai slice in the bathroom) there wasn't any proof it hadn't been an accident so there was no detention or extra assignment to serve.

* * *

><p>"Answer to the Master" is an early Def Leppard song<p>

Toe-ups are performed by tensing and releasing the calf muscles in a standing position to repeatedly go from a flat-footed stands to tiptoes. Performing the same motion on alternate legs while sitting doesn't give as much exercise benefit, but does help keep the blood flowing during a long ride, class, or meeting. I tend to get cramps if I try to tense front and back at once to stay flatfooted, but doing so is supposedly part of the 'motionless exercises' taught to special forces operatives and guards who need to stay in a single position for long periods and still be alert and ready to act in a flash.


	5. Chapter 5

Foxy Cooly:

Times Have Changed and Times Are Strange  
>by CD  dialNforNinja

Naruto was caught between amusement and crushing disappointment as he sat on a bench in the market district.

Amusement because he could see rising dust and hear a commotion from a couple of streets over, and even if he couldn't see what was actually going on the fact that he'd been right here under people's eyes before it began, and their puzzled looks to confirm he was still right there and looking as curious about it as they were instead of fighting down glee at successful mischief were almost enough to make up for not seeing it.

Disappointment because this bench was where Haruko-mom had said to meet her after school for their shopping trip, but she hadn't shown up yet. She wasn't like the others - she knew about the fox and didn't care, she even praised him for keeping it under control! She wouldn't turn her back on him; wouldn't just leave him here waiting all night!

The blond boy pulled his feet up to sit cross-legged as he waited, even as the oddly musical crashing sounds died down and the dust began to settle. Positively itching with curiosity Naruto nevertheless crossed his arms and forced himself to sit still and wait - he wasn't going to risk missing Haruko-mom because he wandered off. A few minutes later, his patience was rewarded, as a mechanical sputtering heralded her arrival on that weird little machine she called a 'Vespa' (sure it was yellow, but it didn't look much like a bee to him, so he couldn't guess why) with an unconscious kunoichi in her lap.

Recognizing her passenger, the boy leapt to his feet and exclaimed, "Sakura-chan! Is she okay? Does she need to go to the hospital? The bastard wasn't picking on her again, was he? I'll dunk everything he owns in skunk oil, that-"

"Aw, Sakura-chan just wore herself out with a little spar," Haruko told him, taking the girl in her arms as she dismounted the scooter. Nudging the anxiously hovering Naruto aside with an elbow, she laid the exhausted girl down on the bench.

Sakura was entirely covered with dust, with dark smudges on her cheeks where it had turned to mud in the sweat as she wiped it out of her eyes. One hand was still clutching a piece of painted wood like the posts used for street signs, both ends broken off just an inch or two from her fingers, and there was blood under one fingernail on the other hand where a corner had torn away from the flesh after cracking. The ribbon around her forehead had kept the hair out of her eyes, but it was still disheveled and grey with dust.

Without conscious volition, Naruto ran his fingers through the dusty rose tresses, trying to undo the worst of the tangles, then jumped away and hid his hands behind his back as he realized what he was doing.

Snickering, Haruko ruffled his own hair and drawled, "Naruto-bozu, you're just too cute."

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" he demanded in an outraged whisper.

"Nothing, nothing," the conscious pinkette replied evasively, before cooing slyly, "Are you going to give her your jacket, too? It would be a shame if she got a cold while sleeping in the open like that..."

Wide-eyed, the boy clutched at his favorite orange jacket, with the swirling shoulder patch it had taken him a dozen tries to get sewn on the way he wanted. Then he looked down at his crush again, and remembered that she was supposed to be his fianc e or something now... Something more precious than a jacket, anyway. Nodding seriously, he moved a few things into his pants pockets or pouches and then slipped it off, revealing a black tee shirt and makeshift forearm guards made from stiff leather scraps held in place by a half dozen old belts scavenged from various junk heaps apiece. Gently, he laid it over the young girl and tucked the sleeves around to fold under her head as a pillow. She mumbled in her sleep and shifted her arms under the heavy fabric, but didn't wake up.

Stepping back, he looked over the sleeping girl for a few more seconds, then asked quietly, "Ne, ne, is it really okay to just leave her here like that?"

"Well, it is a ninja village after all. She'll be fine, probably. More importantly, we need to get you fitted out!" Grabbing a hand she started walking away, Naruto staggering along sideways behind her as he looked back at the sleeping Sakura.

"Wait, wait! What's that mean, 'probably?'"

Spotting a particular shop, Haruko dragged the younger Uzumaki along, absently explaining, "Well, there's lots of patrols in the market, so they'll notice if anyone bothers her... Anyway, daylight's a-wasting! C'mon, Naruto-bozu."

Naruto had never really noticed the small, plain entrance she hauled him into, and didn't catch the name of the place this time, but it appeared to be a music shop from the displays inside. There were drums in all sizes, stringed instruments ranging from just one to dozens of strings, bells, gongs, trumpets, two pianos, a section for sheet and recorded music, plus speakers, amplifiers, a couple of mixing boards, and players ranging from pocket-sized to free standing cabinets.

The shopkeeper had the dark complexion of a Lightning Country native, with hair dyed bright blue arranged in long, heavily beaded dreadlocks, and an eyebrow ring. He was wearing a Bamboo Men tour shirt and bopping along to one of their songs on a demonstration music player. The double-necked guitar Haruko had slung on her back instantly drew his attention with its unusual half EB-0, half Flying Vee body shape.

With the two of them absorbed in a bunch of technical stuff about the instrument that Naruto didn't really understand, he wandered around the tight-packed aisles, tapping drums and plucking strings, not even noticing as his head began to bob in time with the Bamboo Men's infectious backbeat. Then, he saw IT.

It was recognizably related to the lower, angular half of Haruko's guitar, but a different shaped headstock and the body had sharper angles than a Flying Vee. It had one long point on the upper side and one shorter one on the lower side with the switches and knobs. Its chromed hardware gleamed in the light of the shop's sparse fixtures, seeming to cast a sparkling halo around itself before his wondering eyes.

The most magnificent thing about it, though, was the finish. Metallic orange lacquer that caught the light like silk, with the jagged white circle and pink spiral of a naruto lapped over the longer point. Naruto held his breath in awe for a moment, before reaching out to run a hand along the bright wire strings.

"Hmm, you've got a good eye, Naruto-bozu." Haruko's voice surprised him, and he whipped his hand away as if it was scalded, then watched as she lifted it down from the wall hook. "Made by Vintage, a Reaper with the Metal Axe electronics, refitted as a battle guitar by Reijinmaru here." The music had either ended or been turned off when she'd gone to check on the boy, so the notes rang clearly in the quiet shop as she ran off a few bars despite not being hooked up to an amplifier. "Eh, I'm better with a bass, but as a REAL Ninja of course it's important to be able to wail on the guitar. You like this one, huh?"

"Yeah! Yeah! It's great, Haruko-mom! It's orange, the most awesome color of all, and it's got a naruto painted on it! It's like it was made just for me, dattebayo!" he enthused.

"Well, I was going to just get you a 3/4 size Squier since you're still on the shrimpy side, but if you can finger the top frets we might as well get this one," Haruko told him. "You've got enough muscle to learn how to swing it."

At this, Naruto's grin doubled, and he bounced with excitement as he cradled the instrument the way she'd demonstrated though it was a bit of a stretch to reach the end of the neck. "Really? You're really gonna get me this awesome guitar and teach me to use it!"

Haruko chuckled. "Of course, Naruto-bozu. Your real mom would be angry if I didn't teach you to thrash a hundred Rock-nin at once."

Abruptly still, Naruto stared up at her. "But I thought... Aren't you my mom?"

"Nah, that was Kushina," she explained, golden eyes serious above a smile that held none of its usual deviltry or melodramatic false sincerity, just warmth and reassurance. "She was a real firecracker, so of course I took care of you for her. She didn't survive the ninetails' attack. When you started talking, you called me 'mom,' though it wasn't quite your first word." Mindful of the guitar between them, she pulled the boy into a quick hug, remembering the twinges of guilt she'd felt doing the same for a kid she met on her quest when Naruto, the same age, had been left behind.

"My... First word...?"

Haruko remembered a bright eyed blond in a high chair watching her prance about the kitchen of their small apartment. "How about it, Naruto-bozu?" she'd asked. "What'll we have for lunch today?" Haruko herself looked the same of course, a decade being less than an eyeblink as far as she was concerned.

Baby Naruto gurgled happily, then pointed at the cabinet over the stove and said, "Rameh mama! Rameh! Mamarama ramamama!"

"Nope," she corrected him, shaking herself back to the present. "'Mama' was only your second word. But don't worry about that, there's still lots of stuff to get today, and then you'll need practice before you can use it."

Good cheer restored, Naruto promised, "Hah! Just wait and see, I'll train until I totally wail on the guitar for Haruko-mom and Kushina-mom, and be the most kick-ass Hokage ever, dattebayo!"

Mischief creeping back into her grin, the woman gave him one more squeeze before stepping back. "I'll hold you to that one, Naruto-bozu." She grabbed a tiger-print shoulder strap, a 10ft guitar cable, a pitch pipe, and a handful of picks from a bin, then called to the shop keeper. "Oi, Reijinmaru... How much for this stuff, plus one of those Boom Cube mini amplifiers?"

* * *

><p>The title comes from Ozzy Osbourne's Momma I'm Comin' Home,/ although in this case it's more that momma came home. Eh, whatever.


	6. Chapter 6

Foxy Cooly:

The Blues, the Reds, and the Pinks  
>by CD  dialNforNinja

Sarutobi Hiruzen, Third Hokage of the Village Hidden in Leaves, was strolling through the Market District as the sun set. He always liked to get out among his people though opportunities tended to be few and fleeting with the many demands on his attention. For the moment however he was taking a break from his duties to get some dinner before another late night in the office - with the disturbance that had taken place nearby during the afternoon he wanted to clear as much of the paperwork backlog as possible in anticipation of the slew of reports and complaints he'd have to deal with tomorrow. Since at least half of them would inevitably finger Naruto he was heading to Ramen Ichiraku in hopes of meeting the boy there and getting the story up front if he was involved, or the alibi if not so he could get people on confirming it proactively.

He was a bit surprised to catch sight of a familiar orange jacket on one of the benches as he approached, the more so when he realized it wasn't its owner dozing under it. Curious, he moved closer to investigate, noting with a frown the dark glances at the sleeping child from passerby. With the better vantage point he recognized the Haruno girl that young Naruto always spoke of, whom he also remembered had been mentioned in some of the preliminary reports he'd received from this afternoon. Judging by the smudges on her cheeks and somewhat bedraggled hair those reports might have slightly more credibility than he'd first thought, especially given the chunk of broken signpost lying beside the bench where it had eventually slipped out of her hand, just trailing out from under the edge of the tough orange canvas. He set aside dinner plans for the moment in favor of satisfying his curiosity.

Leaning closer and putting on his best grandfatherly smile, Sarutobi nudged the girl's shoulder to wake her, meeting confused jade eyes with a twinkle as sleepy thoughts played across Sakura's face.

'My bed isn't this hard.'

'Who's the old guy and why is he standing over me?'

'Hokage-sama! Why's he standing over me!'

'Arms tangled in something, muscles sore, what happened?'

'That woman!'

'And I'm wrapped up in...'

Long years of experience as a ninja and in government made her face an open scroll with her mind writ large across it, and the Hokage had already leaned back and muffled his ears with a chakra exercise as the girl's brows knit over flashing eyes and she sucked in a breath to scream, "NA - *RU* - *TOOO!*

Flinging away the (spicy?) SMELLY jacket she shot to her feet, ignoring the protests of bruises and stiff muscles at the sudden movement as she patted herself down and then clasped her arms in front of her chest with a shudder.

Completely forgetting the village leader standing bemusedly off the one side, she shuddered again with anger as she ranted, "Jerk! Annoying! Putting his jacket over me like that... And that other Uzumaki pervert-woman to give him ideas! AAAH! My pure body!" Another shudder wracked her underdevel- that is, lean and fashionable frame and she frantically brushed at seams, buttons and zippers. "I SWEAR, if there's just ONE button..."

Sakura trailed off, finding the torn side-seam of her skirt, not realizing she'd done it herself when the back panel had gotten caught on the jagged edge of a broken board, nor thinking about the black shirts she wore under it or the fact that without them there'd hardly be any more to see if it was intact. Torn between rage and embarrassment her face went flat white save for the bright red blotches of a blush, and the stress headache that had dogged her since the first meeting with Haruko exploded.

A second later, it spiked again, hard enough to make the girl gasp at the sudden pain and lose her train of thought, then a third pulse came accompanied by pain that hit like a physical blow, knocking the wind out of her as she buckled at the waist.

"Are you alright?" Hiruzen asked worriedly, catching her by the shoulders as she staggered in shock. Sakura looked up at him in confusion as the next spike hit. He saw the red flash and heard the crack as the ribbon tied around her forehead snapped, and just barely dodged in time to keep the horn that grew out of it from poking him in the eye as it extended. She dropped to her knees and arched her back as another pulse came and the pain was replaced by an odd sensation like the relief of sneezing after trying to hold back as the oddly shaped appendage spiraled like a drill and extended. It made an odd slurping, scraping sound as the tip split into three points and shifted from flesh tone to a metallic gleam.

Stifling horror and a bitter sense of failure at the thought of a girl of his village having been subjected to some technique that turned her into a walking bomb, Sarutobi let his mind flow into the calmness of battle - he'd survived more battles and assassination attempts than most ninja had warm breakfasts, and wasn't about to fall to even such a cheap shot as using one of his people against him. Except...

Even as the strange growth expanded to several times the girl's own body mass, balancing above her like a child's top in the instant between when it stops spinning and when it falls over, even as the original 'horn' untwisted and lengthened into three long, sharp, metallic, spidery legs with more than a passing similarly to one side of a disassembled pair of scissors, even as it continued to extrude out of Sakura's head with a wet crunching sound... There was no blood, and her eyes flicked across its form with a look of surprise yes, but hardly the empty incomprehension of the kind of brain damage that would have to result from even a small portion of the strange object having taken up space inside her skull.

Abruptly he remembered the description Haruko had given of the N.O. Channel jutsu she'd acquired in her journeys - vague, since she'd classed it a hijutsu, a secret only to be taught within the clan, but enough to recognize the effect. The earlier bitter thoughts of failure and living bombs faded and he relaxed to a less threatening if still wary stance. Even if this was something Haruko had done intentionally that didn't necessarily mean it wouldn't disastrously misfire - she wasn't exactly known for careful consideration of consequences. On top of that, the reason for classing it hijutsu was that outside forces already had a version of it, unfriendly groups who might detect it if frequently or incorrectly used and follow the trail to the Elemental Countries and the Leaf.

As the large, bucket-shaped base of the creature wiggled itself free of the Academy student's head, a large, glowing eye opened and blinked a few times at the junction of the three spindly legs. Sakura slumped over backwards with a sigh as the beast oriented itself and looked around, then shrieked and rolled aside as the eye turned from yellow to red and one of the needle-pointed legs stabbed down where she'd lain.

Seeing the hostile act the Sandaime went into action, grabbing the child and whisking her away to a nearby rooftop before leaping to another position. One of the few kunai he carried in his usually office-bound routine was tossed, then with a blur of handseals and a muttered "Kunai kage bunshin no jutsu," it multiplied into a hundred, peppering the plant-like body of the creature with holes as the jutsu was released and the imbedded blades puffed away to nothing. Little real damage was done but it served to keep the thing's attention on him rather than Sakura, or the sparse dinnertime crowd in this side street, who had sensibly fallen back with the shinobi members taking to the roofs to watch for an opening and give backup if needed. His ANBU guards were on the rooftops as well, but waited for his signal as he'd instructed with handsigns from the beginning.

It didn't appear to have noticed the ANBU and had little in the way of chakra from what he could sense - enough to surmise it had a good amount of physical strength, but not likely to be more than a light workout as far as he was concerned, so he repeated the earlier signal for his subordinates to stand by as he returned to the road, another kunai at the ready.

The spider-bucket beast narrowed its eye at him and shuffled its feet, then suddenly fled. The Hokage frowned, blurred through another set of handseals, longer this time, then tapped a foot on the clay-and-gravel pavement. "Doton: Doryutaiga," he muttered, as the earth between him and the monster abruptly became thick, clinging mud and rushed to swamp the thing's tripod legs. It struggled to free itself, and the sharp, tapered legs slid loose much more easily than a human's would have. Seeing this, another set of invisibly fast mudra were performed, ending in a Tiger sign than was brought to the lips. He didn't announce the Goukakyu no Jutsu at all, just breathing out the fire-natured chakra collected in his mouth, letting the mud hold the target in place so the slow-moving fireball could hit, frying the thing's body and baking the mud still binding it into brick.

Its one eye wide, the monster struggled for a few more seconds before raising its bucket-shaped body and suddenly unfurling, almost resembling a gigantic flower pointed up at the dusky evening sky. Rather than wait to discover the purpose of this sudden transformation, Hiruzen quickly molded some wind chakra, first around his kunai to let it blast through the beast's core, then channeled into ninjutsu. Not quite as adept with it as the other elements, he had to announce the technique in a normal speaking voice and make a slashing hand gesture to direct it. "Fuuton: Kaze no Yaiba," he said, just before invisible blades of wind slashed the already sagging 'flower' structure into quarters, then again into eighths.

Seeing the monster's remains fall inert on the ground, he flashed through another set of mudra and again tapped his foot, the low level doton not needing any kind of vocalization to focus as it made the broken ground flow back together and level off, returning the street to something approaching its original condition except for the dead monster to be hauled off and studied. Then he dusted off the official white Hokage robe and adjusted his square hat, using the motion to disguise signals to take Sakura to get a medical check and to summon Haruko for a meeting before resuming his walk toward Ramen Ichiraku.

Sensing the woman appear by his side and a half-step behind, he mentioned his hypothesis from the beginning of the fight. "So, Raharu, was that the result of the N.O. Hijutsu? I would hope it's not a result you planned."

"Oi, oi, call me Haruko," the adult pinkette complained. "Raharu sounds like some old biddy's name."

He started to say, "You say that, but the truth is, even compared to me..." She cut him off with a growl and a scary face, but the old man just chuckled as he retrieved his pipe from a pocket and lit it with a flare of chakra. "Even so, it's not like you to hang back instead of jumping into a fight."

"Eto, Flying Monkey had it under control," she chirped, taking a cute pose. It was his turn to growl and grimace, and after a moment she got serious again. "That was a Medical Mechanica recon bot, sent through an accidental N.O. Channel; it's better if they think any random geezer from this world can kick ass so it's too troublesome to harvest."

Sarutobi drew on his pipe contemplatively, thinking over the implications of a group that 'harvested' /worlds./ Somehow, the concept failed to inspire images of festival season and couples watching fireworks. Before he could inquire further, Haruko continued her own thought.

"If they know I'm here, they'll definitely come, for *that* power... Even for just the local bijuu. Even if that one didn't get to report back, now that they've opened one N.O. Channel here they'll be curious, and that means..." A different cute pose this time, a salute worthy of a sentai show, but the effect was disturbing combined with such a bloodthirsty grin. "I'm gonna hafta get Naruto-bozu powered up, since he'll definitely be a target!"

Displeasure with the idea of anyone targeting the other bijuu or their containers, let alone Naruto, twisted the old man's face into a scowl as he pondered. He blew a thick stream of smoke, absently shaping it with chakra into a dragon that circled his head a few times before dissipating in an exercise that had long become ingrained while he walked.

* * *

><p>Hyuuga Hinata had been just about to head for her clan's estate when the monster had appeared, having stopped in the market district after her usual solo afternoon practice to get a quick meal and a cinnamon bun, having delayed her return as long as she dared. It wasn't that she didn't like her family, not really, but just being around them was enough to remind her of how far below the noble standards of the Hyuuga Clan she fell. Plus, there was always the chance of seeing Naruto the longer she stayed in the training fields, although he'd excitedly told the world about his planned shopping trip this afternoon during classes. She'd set out this way herself when the Academy let out, hoping to see him and to ask his relative about becoming an official bridal candidate (just the thought made her blush hard enough to get a little dizzy, but she kept her balance) but then Sakura-san and Haruko-san had gotten into an argument and things got a bit chaotic, so she'd decided to wait a little longer...<p>

Anyway, she'd happened to notice Naruto's jacket where Sakura was sleeping under it not long before the Hokage had arrived, and while it was just the kind of kind thing he'd do, the evidence of the other girl's benefits from being named a candidate just strengthened her own desire to join her... Hinata didn't consider herself pretty or special, but perhaps if she just kept trying she could be a little less shy, and she could already cook a little. Her blush returned, as she admitted to herself that being flat and scrawny wouldn't be an obstacle, at least, she knew that much from the communal showers in the Academy gymnasium. Her hair was nothing like the other girl's flowing pink locks, of course, and she had no idea what the "N.O. Hijutsu" or potential for it might entail, so really she didn't expect her chances to be good, but still if she could just manage to make the request...

It was around this point in her thoughts that the Third had woke Sakura up, and Hinata had hidden behind a tree, first dismayed at the pinkette's very audible disparaging comments about Naruto, then shocked at the appearance of the monster and the way its origin point seemed to fold down to a flat spot just at the skin level from behind and yet extend so much wider and deeper than her classmate's head could possibly contain when she looked at it with the Byakugan from the front.

Then the Hokage had been fighting it, and she was completely awestruck. His fingers had moved so fast, and his ninjutsu were performed without wasting the slightest trace of chakra. The sheer amount of it he'd held was impressive too, more than anyone she'd ever seen except Naruto, who couldn't control his nearly so well yet. Then it was over, everyone was leaving except the nin assigned to retrieve the dismembered carcass and take it away, and she realized that she really needed to hurry now to get home before her curfew. First, though, there was one more important thing she had to do.

Moving even more hesitantly than usual, Hinata crept over to the bush where Naruto's jacket had landed and snatched it up. She gathered it in her arms and subconsciously took a deep sniff... There was a hint of Sakura's floral conditioner but mostly it smelled of spices and sunshine, the forest and a hint of animal musk. A wide smile crossed her face and she snuggled against the bundled canvas for a moment before realization struck, ramming a shaft of embarrassment and guilt at her lack of propriety down her spine. With a squeak and yet another deep blush (thank goodness Naruto hadn't been there to see that, or she'd probably have not just fainted but died) she leaned against the shrub for a few seconds to recover, then slung the jacket over one arm, her goodie bag from the bakery on the other, and called up chakra to reinforce her legs to dash for the Hyuuga Compound.

* * *

><p>That's right, beeyotches. Don't mess with the God of Shinobi, he will fuck you up. I mean, here's an old geezer who's been behind a desk for over a decade, and it still took three S-rank ninja restored to their prime to take him down - and he killed two and got a permanently crippling attack off on the third, which would have ended the career of any other ninja without Orochimaru's ability to body-jump. Gramps is way up there on the badass scale, seriously.<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

Foxy Cooly:

There's Nothing That Is In Between  
>by CD  dialNforNinja

Naruto awoke to that special gurgle in his stomach that says, "You ate too much Super Shrimp Seafood Special ramen last night, fool, and now you're going to SUFFER!" But even the prospect of being late to class and yelled at by Iruka-sensei due to taking an extended time on the can had no sting compared to waking up in his futon instead of a sleeping bag beside it, to the lack of an orange battle guitar leaning against a double-necked one beside his wardrobe cabinet, the empty spot by the apartment door that had never looked empty until he realized a noisy yellow 'vespa' machine could fit in it... The total lack of any sign that a person called Uzumaki Haruko had ever set foot in his apartment. His stomach let out another threatening gurgle, and ... his eyes stared to water... from the belly-ache. That was certainly the only possible reason, it couldn't be anything to do with some stupid dream about an annoying woman who barged into his life and... stopped him from... being alone...

Naruto crashed awake with a choked gasp, almost tipping over as he tried to sit up in his zipped sleeping bag. His eyes were full of junk and it took minutes of serious rubbing before he could even make out the bright white and pink fish-cake pattern on his guitar, or the cheery orange base color that went so well with the candy-apple red of the twin necked Gibson sharing the same stand. He fumbled his way out of the bedroll and scrubbed his eyes one more time before wandering toward the bathroom, giving a half-wave and incoherent mumble to Haruko who was... doing something on the floor as he walked past. He paused and studied the sound of the kettle and the gas burner heating it wafting from the kitchen area, but only paused for a moment before continuing, as his finely-trained ear told him that the water was still twelve minutes from the optimum moment to add it to the ramen.

Poorly coordinated hands slid the bathroom door shut, then he took a deep breath and danced in place silently for a few seconds, only just holding in shouts of relief and joy. "It wasn't a dream!" he mouthed to himself in the mirror, before taking another deep breath and getting down to business.

Precisely eleven and a half minutes later he was beside the stove with his favorite morning mix of flavors open, ready to pour the water in the very instant it started to boil. Then came the eternal three minutes that were the bane of his existence, the wall clock glacially measuring off one hundred eighty ageless, endless year-seconds before the supposedly 'instant' ramen would actually be ready.

A couple ticks later, he tossed the empty Styrofoam cups in the trash (tossed reverently and with a prayer of thanks for the delicious noodles and salty broth that willingly gave up their existence to vanquish his hunger, but tossed all the same and landing in the trash) and he was scratching the itch he always got from the tag on the elastic of his boxers while trying to figure out exactly what his recently revealed relative (An actual family member! His!) was doing. She was drawing some kind of complicated circular pattern with dark red stuff, and his voice trembled slightly as he asked, "Hey, Haruko-mom, that stuff... It's not... Actually blood, right?" He tried to hide the involuntary gulp as she sat back and grinned up at him, (what the, where did those fangs come from!) licking a small spill off her finger before turning the bottle so the label was visible.

"Nope, just spicy barbecue sauce," she sang happily, the dripping fangs he'd swear he saw not an instant before totally gone.

Rather than that, he concentrated on just how big and involved the design was, and as he realized exactly where the sticky yet slippery design had been painted he pointed and shouted, "WHY THE HELL! The only way to get to the door and open it is to walk through!"

"Maa, you're such an excitable kid, Naruto-bozu," Haruko drawled. "The barbecue sauce is because it doesn't matter what you use, and I like it. As for the rest... Since there's no school today, I thought we'd do some /Secret/ /Family/ /Training."/

Outrage instantly forgotten, Naruto bounced with excitement as he demanded more details. "Oi, oi, what kind of training? Is it a super-cool move that shoots flaming kunai with your eyes? Or huge lightning bolts? Or, or, you fly up in the air and spin around and do a bunch of seals like aAH-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA!" here he hopped higher then waved his hands in front of his chest while wiggling his fingers as if forming mudra too fast to see, "an' then you poke your enemy and he turns into a catgirl plushie! But, but, what does any of that have to do with doodling all over the floor?"

The elder Uzumaki chuckled, then returned to her work. "Hmm, I wonder what it is," she teased, waving off his indignant protests. "Well, get your clothes and your ninja stuff on, we'll start as soon as I'm done. Which is now, tadaaa~"

Ignoring the boy hopping on one leg to get his pants on, Haruko retrieved their battle guitars from the stand, slinging hers by the strap and carrying his back to the main room. She gave it a speculative look for a few seconds before shaking her head, grabbing one of the Academy scrolls out of the pile of homework stuff on one end of the couch, and setting it in the center of the design she'd drawn.

"This pattern, it's kind of like the special mental connections for the N. O. Hijutsu," she explained, "but it uses that demon power instead of chakra. See, that's the basic problem with how jinchuuriki like you are trained... Using demon power like human power works, but it destroys the body over time. It's not the same thing, and trying to pretend it is won't change that. The trouble is, no one in the Elemental Countries knows how to use power that way..."

Passing the new kunai holster and tool pouch they'd bought the evening before from the hook where they hung by the door (even with her longer reach, Haruko could just barely grab them without stepping in the circle - something to remember for next time) she handed them off and then mussed up the blond's spiky hair. Unlike most kids, he leaned into it like a friendly dog, and she forced herself not to scowl at how starved he was for positive physical contact. This 'being responsible' stuff sucked, in her opinion, but the kid didn't have anyone else. Oh well, she'd manage. Picking up the conversation again, she added, "Luckily, I've been all over, so I do! Got all your gear Naruto-bozu?"

He'd been getting into his usual outfit while she explained, though with the jacket still missing his black tee and leather arm guards were exposed. After fastening the last buckle and sling his own battle guitar by the strap as she passed it to him, he gave an enthusiastic thumbs up.

Haruko pulled the goggles down over her eyes and gave a toothy grin, then the sigil he saw that first time in the Hokage's office glowed blood-red on her brow. She stomped her foot and the sauce-doodle flared with a matching ominous radiance, washing out the morning light from the apartment's dusty windows and casting creepy shadows on her face as she laughed and shouted, "TIME TO GO!"

A sudden swirling wind filled the apartment, sucking up a few empty ramen cups that had found their way under the couch or into corners, a few items of dirty laundry likewise, and even a couple of old, half completed homework scrolls. Flying grit made Naruto hurry to pull his own goggles on and the force of the sudden wind sent him staggering, so when it suddenly switched direction and started sucking even harder toward the center he was swept off his feet entirely and drawn into the mouth-like glowing portal that had formed over the Bunshin no Jutsu technique scroll.

Haruko, who'd braced herself in anticipation, let the wind take her at last, flipping around and pinching her nose like a diver before vanishing into it as well.

The door to the apartment crashed open, its much abused latch failing under the pressure differential, and Hyuuga Hinata, who'd been standing just outside for the last ten minutes dithering, was sucked in as well with (as always) a surprised squeak. The professionally cleaned, pressed, and slightly mended orange jacket and cooking sample bento she'd been carrying were sucked in too, but slipped out of her hands as she fell.

With the time limit reached, the suction effect stopped, and the portal eased closed to leave only a faintly luminous line and a heat mirage. As the fabric of reality readjusted with the stress released, it produced a low guttural sound that could almost be mistaken for a belch.

* * *

><p>The title this time comes from "Twilight," the song that was used for the famous Daicon IV video in the pre-pro days of Gainax, which Haruko's bunny suit and guitar skysurfing in FLCL reference. I think it's by Supertramp, or maybe REO Speedwagon. The lyrics immediately preceding are, "it's either real or it's a dream," which has obvious connections to this part. Of course, it's not actually true, there's genjutsu bridging dream and reality, and in the other direction the item world is an imaginary space that that is physically entered, which turns the concept of flaws into monsters which are then fought and killed in the imaginary space to eliminate those flaws in reality... But it makes a good title.<p>

Haruko was going to do this with Naruto's guitar originally, but decided that the flaw-monsters for such a (relatively) powerful item would be too strong for an Academy student to deal with (damn that 'being responsible' crap! How's she supposed to have any fun?) so she switched with a randomly grabbed scroll. Not having used the Item World technique on an educational manual before, she doesn't expect it to do any more than fix the ragged edges and crappy handwriting from when Naruto was made to copy it. Which will happen, at first, but then the instructions will get more understandable, followed by the vague mentions of other types of clones getting more detailed, until at 100% it has easily followed instructions for the basic bunshin (which will still need too much control for Naruto) each base elemental type (which he doesn't have the recomposition skill for, leaving only Wind Clones useable due to his affinity) and of course Shadow Clones. This is my way of getting around the need for the Mizuki/graduation incident that gets done to death.

Really, between the physical combat, flight, and a few sonic attacks to use at range, instant-runes-and-incantation demon magic (probably mostly utility stuff with some siege/countersiege class mass destruction thrown in for kicks,) and the advanced lines from the basic three academy techniques, it's all the uber one story needs.

The catgirl plushie attack Naruto dreams up is a variation on what Excel uses in ep24 or 25 of the Excel Saga anime, where they're playing off of Hokuto No Ken and other post-apoc settings. Her attack turns the enemy into a Chobit, but Chobits doesn't exist in this version of Naruto, even as fiction. Ranma 1/2 however does, and is the manga Naruto mentioned finding under a bench in one of the early parts. Hence why asked if Haruko was there to set up an arranged marriage when he thought she was related to Sakura and put the idea in her head. Silly boy. Of course it's not quite like the r1/2 in our world, but the differences are minor.

Note that neither that nor the use of the Item World concept are intended as crossovers or even the foundations for a multi-cross, unless Haruko drags him off on a multi-planet adventure Naruto and FLCL are the only series I intend to use.

Honestly though, I have no particular plans from here, except to force Hinata to be less of a pathetic stalker-type through needing to defend themselves against the Item World monsters and getting her in as Bridal Candidate #2. (it is /Super/ /Secret/ /Family/ /Training/ after all) That said, I've never actually played Disgaia so the monsters will just be typical fantasy fare rather than anything specifically from the game(s) and combat will be handled in anime fashion rather than RPG style. There will be no reference to stats or leveling up except as jokes on Haruko's part.

She tries to teach them bukujutsu (the Dragonball name for unassisted flight) but Naruto can't control it and Hinata hasn't got enough chakra to counter her full weight, though at least it doesn't actually expend chakra as long as you keep it internal (not blasting an aura like in DBZ to cut through the air at truly high speeds.) Don't complain about Naruto characters not being able to fly, Lee pingpongs around freely with the Gates open, Sucksuke spins himself in various directions for the Shishi Rendan, and Naruto does it as well a few times when tapping the kyuubi. Granted most of those are anime-only, the best example being during the Isaribi/Anko-backstory arc (around ep175 or so?) when he hangs in the air fighting and giving a Therapy no Jutsu speech, but it's my party and I'll fly if I want to.

Depths-of-my-power genjutsu - not used here, but I thought I should define it while the words were in my head. Similar to the vision of death Orochimaru makes Sasuke see in the 2nd part of the Chuunin Exam with his killing intent, Haruko (even before getting Atomsk) can let an enemy see just how much power she has, inducing a vision of a rapid zoom-out to the continent, planet, solar system, and an entire galaxy that then condenses into the white glow washing out her eyes. Usually combined with a 'you seriously don't want any of this, kiddo' look, only the most arrogant or determined of opponents won't be left shaken. Madara, Danzo, Naruto in Protect-My-Precious-People mode, Gaara, and so on. Naota had no problem with it but he was channeling Atomsk himself at the time.


	8. Chapter 8

Foxy Cooly

The Metaphor Is Seductive But It's Highly Misleading

Tumbling out of the magic portal, Naruto splashed down in the pond where a small stream backed up against the roots of a tree, while Haruko continued the spin of her 'diving' motion to land neatly on her feet, knees flexing to take up the impact.

"eeeEEEP!" Casually, the woman sidestepped to avoid being splashed as Hinata followed them out of the hole in the sky, flattening Naruto where he'd started to climb out of the water. An instant later, she took another step to catch the falling bento so it wouldn't smash on the ground of the lightly wooded meadow. She smirked at the kids as they tried to get untangled, while the orange jacket fluttered through the air to land in the bushes off to one side.

"Hmmm, it seems like we have a spy on the special iSecret Family Training,/i Naruto-bozu. Well, we can deal with spies," she said with a toothy grin. Haruko loomed over the small girl and cracked her knuckles ominously.

Finally managing to get his head out of the back of Hinata's long grey coat where the fabric had tangled around him Naruto pushed her to her feet beside him. Unnerved by the way his nominal relative suddenly seemed to become a pitch black silhouette save for a pair of gleaming red eyes and a mouthful of sharklike teeth, he shouted, "Haruko-mom, wait! This is, um, that girl from the back row. She's kind of a shy, dark wierdo but she's never mean to anybody and anyway I think I heard she's part of some big important family or something so she's kind of like a princess and you definitely can't beat her up, even if she is spying on the special iSecret Family Training./i Except that's probably an accident anyway because I really mean it when I said she's never mean to anybody, not even Sakura-chan when all the other girls used to pick on her or Choji when people say he's fat or even me." His manic babble stopped, and he flashed a quick smile at the girl before giving Haruko a serious look. "Maybe it's just 'cause she was shy, but I think she's probably the only one who was never mean to me, so you definitely can't be mean to her, Haruko-mom." Getting upright at last, he climbed out of the shallow pond before extending a hand to help the young Hyuuga out as well.

Her face was burning (not least because her coat had come off while Naruto was struggling to get up, leaving her in just a mesh top with a lightweight blue tee shirt underneath) and her throat felt like it was in a vice, but by dint of a half dozen tries Hinata finally managed to apologise for intruding, promise to keep any secrets, and almost managed to say she'd come to return the jacket and ask about, that is, bento, candidate...

Thump.

Not liking the size of the fangs on the rabbity-lizard thing hopping around or the speculative look in its eye as it sniffed at the fainted girl, Naruto gave it a good kick which tossed it into the nearby tree, whereupon it let off an unhappy croak and started dissolving into some kind of dark, stinky goo. Unfortunately while he was distracted trying to figure out why she'd passed out a second one grabbed his beloved jacket in its mouth and scurried off.

Haruko had given her ward's classmate an assessing once-over as she stammered out her apologies, then became involved in trying each of the bite sized portions of different foods packed into the bento, having neglected to grab breakfast while planning and preparing for the day's adventure, so she didn't notice either and the bouncing menace vanished with its prize.

"Well... Cooking: Pretty good. Physicial shape: S-rank! Attitude: Needs work. N.O.: moderate. Mouth-to-mouth: No data, but they say it's always the quiet ones," Haruko declared. "I guess she can stay, as long as she agrees to become Bridal Candidate #2. It is iSecret Family Training,/i after all."

"H... H... H... H..."

"So, do you agree, Princess?"

"H... H... H... Ha..."

"Oi, I can't hear you. Whattaya say?"

Hinata squeezed her eyes shut, clenched her fist, and used the other hand to hit a tenketsu that paralysed her diaphram so she'd stop hyperventilating. She was sure this was absolutely the most important thing she'd ever say, so she gathered all her willpower, reversed the tenketsu strike, took a deep breath, and screamed.

"YES! I'LL HAPPILY BECOME NARUTO'S BRIDE! PLEASE TREAT ME KINDLY!"

... And then she passed out again, though this time it was with a big goofy grin on her face, even with the beet red blush and her hands clamped (despite being unconscious) over her mouth. Just the agreement would have been enough to do it, but there was also a hefty helping of shock at how much noise she'd made.

Haruko swabbed a pinky around in her ear, blinked a couple times, then looked at Naruto, who was still swirly-eyed from how loudly the usually painfully soft-spoken girl had accepted. "Huh, a little more enthusism than the pink one. Maybe that stuff about the quiet girls is right," she mused.

* * *

><p>Sitting in the center of the still faintly glowing rune circle, the ragged edges of the scroll and slapdash penmanship of the writing ever so slowly reversed themselves, until it was pristine and easily legible. A thin black miasma of demonic power seeped out of it, carrying away the minus-energy of removed flaws.<p>

* * *

><p>While waiting for Hinata to wake up (it had taken a bit because the first few times, when she remembered what had just happened the girl immediately passed out again) Naruto had explored the wooded area they'd arrived in, killing a few more of the lizard rabbit things when they jumped out at him with gnashing fangs, and got highly confused when following the course of the small stream for a few minutes led right back to the clearing.<p>

Haruko, meanwhile, had perched on a fallen log and amused herself noodling around with her guitar, strumming chords and variations and switching back and forth from one neck to the other with abandon. Exactly how she kept the proper tone ringing when her fingers switched to the other neck was unclear, but probably involved yet another of the minor chackra excercises any upper-level ninja made almost constant use of in order to keep their skills sharp, but the effect was that she was effectively playing lead and backup simultaneously in her little impromptu jam session.

Eventually, though, the young girl managed to regain enough composure that while she still had a bright blush there was enough blood flow out of her head and in the rest of her body to maintain consciousness and some semblance of normal activity. Retrieving her still rather damp jacket from the bush it had been hung over to dry out from being dunked in the stream and shrugging on its familiar, shape-concealing protection helped relieve her self-conscious embarrassment considerably, as well.

"AAARGH! IT MAKES NO SENSE! 300 PACES IN A STRAIGHT LINE AND I'M RIGHT BACK HERE!" Naruto shouted, as he crashed out of the underbrush around the clearing again for the dozenth time.

Haruko stood and trapped him under a foot as he pulled at this hair and rolled around on the ground in hysteria. "Oi, settle down, boyo. It's an enclosed imaginary space for a minor item, of course it's pretty small. There's gotta still be one or two Flaws you haven't killed yet even so, or we'd have moved to a deeeper level aready. Fortunately Bridal Candidate #2 here is a Hyuuga, so she should be able to find 'em nice and quick with her bloodline limit."

Hinata had released one of her trademark startled squeaks at being referred to in such a manner, but nodded hesitantly as her ability was mentioned and firmed her resolve, noticing her crush's curious gaze as he looked her over closely. Desperately praying she wouldn't fail and dissappoint him like everyone else, she formed a hand seal to help concentrate and activated the Byakugan, excess chakra escaping her inner coils at the temples making the skin bulge and pulse like a network of blood vessels. Between that, her frown of concentration, and the way she unconsciously knit her brows, the Hyuuga heiress's face changed in an instant from almost painfully cute to the menacing image of a dangerous kunoichi - not that she had any idea, but Naruto backed off a step, wide-eyed, and Haruko revised her mental estimate of the girl's potential with the mask of shy uncertainty stripped back, if only for a moment.

Though unneccessary whith her bloodline fully activated, Hinata's eyes flicked back and forth as she examined their surroundings, only to discover that the entire areas had the characteristic unreality of a genjutsu yet no underlying reality that had been hidden, as if nothing real existed except herself and her two companions. It was a terrifying thought, and she searched more carefully through the area again, frantic to find something, anything, that had some real existence rather than being an illusion of twisted perception over blank nothingness. There! It was a strange, swirling blot of illegible inked characters on tattered shreds of paper under the image of a sort of scaly rabbit, but it was something real, and it was ripping up something even more solid. "Oh no!" she gasped, recognising the shredded orange fabric as the remains of Naruto's jacket, which she'd bee trying to work up the courage to return in person when his apartment door had burst inward and she'd been sucked into the effect of Haruko's jutsu.

"This way," she called as she released the hand seal, maintaining her dojutsu in the more limited form that gave her extended sight in a normal arc of vision rather than in a nearly complete sphere around herself. Drawing a kunai from her pouch, she hurried toward where she'd spotted the thing, piling hope against hope that Naruto's precious possession could be saved before it was too damaged to repair, in defiance of what her empowered eyes were telling her. 'If ever there was a time for me to be wrong, please let it be now!' she thought.

Alas, it was not to be. The two trainee ninja swerved around a massive tree trunk, their elder moving at a more relaxed pace behind them, only to see shreds of orange canvas spread wide across the ancient tree's roots and a snarling rabbit-lizard-thing, its scales tough and horned and at least twice the size of the ones Naruto had faced before, sporting a wicked gleam in its eye after causing the destruction of a real item. It seemed to be absorbing energy from the shredded jacket as they came into sight, then crouched to attack with a hazy black afterimage following its movements.

* * *

><p>The title this time is from the opening narration of "Timeline" by Machinae Supremacy. It may in fact be a movie clip, but they've done sevarl saongs with the same female narrator in spoken segmants so it may as likely not be.<p>

The full opening narration segment:

The idea of reincarnation comes from the natural sense that there is more to this world than we can taste or touch. Unfortunately, and this is the main point, time. People think of time as if it were a straight line, like a road, or a train track, with the future at one end and the past at the other. The metaphor is seductive but it's highly misleading; "The world was flat until they discovered it was round."

The segment between the two verses:

I used to think of time like a ?ing, like a string. Time is NOTHING. I found a catch: It won't last forever; only the PERCEPTION of history has a beginning. Only time can ?a?.

So what's all this got to do with the story? Well, the item world itself is a metaphor, given a veneer of reality through demonic magic like Itachi's Tsukiyomi, though it's arguable which is the more powerful technique (in battle? Tsukiyomi, without question, but using an Item World has significant, long term, positive effects in the form of improved equipment and skills, while using the Mangy-cow makes Itachi go blind. One wonders if it makes hair grow on the palm of the hands, too, or maybe that's the fangirling Uchiha otaku.

EOF


	9. Chapter 9

Foxy Cooly

Hammerfall! We will prevail!

It was a standoff for a single, ageless momant, the powered-up, scaly rabbit-like Flaw creature fixing Naruto and Hinata with a stare from its menacing, glowing eyes as muscles corded and bunched under its horny flanks. The two Academy students edged further apart slowly, niether used to fighting aside from one-on-one spars against their classmates or instructors, let alone together against some kind of monster. Haruko hung back to watch and assess their skills - the girl yesterday had been pathetic aside from a moderate degree of physical strength, and using it had worn her out far tooo quickly. With the kyuubi's power to draw on for stamina her Naruto-bozu should at least have some staying power, but most of the Hyuuga she'd ever met were below their peers in chakra reserves; even if they didn't waste a jot they just didn't have enough for the really fun techniques.

The moment ended as Naruto switched his kunai from a forward to reverse grip nervously, and he froze in shock as the beast suddenly lunged at him. It moved almost too fast to make out, a shadowy black aferimage trailing it like smoke as it leapt, and if not for Hinata shoving him aside it might well have ripped his face off with its fangs. He tumbled to the ground and she hesitated just long enough for the enemy to recover from the jump, springing away before her thrown blade could reach its position.

Naruto scrambled to his feet, cursing a blue streak and shaking as adrenaline slammed into his system. Hinata shot him a panicked look, thinking he was angry she'd pushed him, before being forced to scramble away herself as the mutant focused its attention on her, the only one to attack so far. The girl didn't even have time to draw another kunai as she frantically dodged furious claw swipes and buck teeth snapping for her throat.

Shaking his head clear, Naruto got back in the game with a roar, tackling the monster to the ground as it charged his classmate again and stabbing his kunai deep into its shoulder at the gap where the scales lay in different directions and so didn't overlap. Pulling the blade free he tossed it to Hinata, who was still unarmed, and drew another himself as he fell back again with a solid kick to the ankle where the beast was trying to get to its feet.

Snapping the blade out of the air and throwing again in the same motion, the Hyuuga heiress buried its razor tip in the creature's left eye before skipping in close, her hands folding into the traditional two-fingered spear of the Gentle Fist. The thing's animal form still only seemed to be an illusion, but the stab wounds it had recieved had made it react with genuine seeming pain, and her special vision showed that they had speared through several of the shredded papers with their illegible writing that made up its real structure. While she'd never managed to make out the tiny pinpoints of an enemy's tenketsu, and it had no inner organs to attack directly with chakra spikes, the Gentle Fist should still disrupt whatever jutsu was on the papers and do real damage. At least, she hoped so, as her fingers struck again and again at the shifting scraps only she could see. To the Uzumakis it looked like she was just tapping her hands against the beast's rough scales, but Haruko knew quite a bit about the Gentle Fist's effectiveness for a non-Hyuuga, and Naruto had seen how she consistently won the Academy spars despite her strikes looking no more effective.

Certainly the monster seemed to feel the blows, rearing back with a howl before scrambling away and shaking itself. The glow of its one remaining eye flared and it snarled before lunging to attack again, much faster than before. Hinata's defense was battered aside by a scaly forlimb before she was blasted backwards into a tree with a kick from the heavily muscled hind leg, long slashes torn across the front of her jacket by its jagged claws and blood welling from scratches torn in undershirt and skin despite the armor mesh. Dazed and winded from the hit, it was all she could do to roll onto her side from where she'd landed face down among the tree roots.

Naruto sprang forward with an outraged shout, but fared little better. He barely managed to stay on his feet as he slid backward, driven by the force of forelimb strikes that cut deep into his hardened leather arm guards as he tried to block. The impact of the heavy hits had shaken his fists loose and both kunai had fallen to the ground; in fact he barely missed cutting himself on them as a body slam knocked him down at last, and the mutant crouched on his chest, slathering at the mouth as it lowered its head.

Just before it could rip the head from his shoulders the other eye exploded with a shot from Haruko's battle guitar, a thin cloud of smoke trailing from a small opening between the tuning knobs on the back of its machine head. He caught just a glimpse of her enraged grimace before she used whatever jutsu it produced again, spurting a blast of fire out of the opening and causing more impacts against the beast that knocked it off of him, despite the flames not reaching more than a foot or two away from the guitar itself. Then, judging the line of fire cleared enough, she let rip with a full burst, freely peppering the thing with holes that oozed brackish black ichor as it staggered back under the barrage. He propped himself up on his elbows at it fell to the ground and began to slowly lose definition, melting into stinking goop like the ones he'd disposed of before. More worrying, the rest of the forest seemed to be blurring and fading as well, and he hurried back to his feet, then to help Hinata up as she gasped and trying to get her breath back.

"Che, that was pathetic," Haruko huffed. "What have they been teaching you kids in the Academy? Hashi-kun and Tobi-kun would have been horrified, and I can't believe Flying Monkey lets them get away with this. Aren't you two supposed to graduate this year?" She paused for a dramatic sigh. "Oh well, I'm here now, and I'll have to make sure you two are fit for ninja life before then. I mean, what if you got seperated from your team and ran into one of the wandering clans on your first mission out of the villiage? There's no way either of you could beat more than a handful of them before they wiped you out, and that just won't do!" The two kids shared an incredulous look - did she really expect them to be able to take on armies right out of the Academy? "Right! Secret Family Training, FULL POWER! You're not getting out of this Item World until it's at one hundred percent!"

As the leaf-diluted afternoon sun faded to twilight and the trees melted into some kind of courtyard, they shifted automatically to stand back to back. The courtyard was filled with heavily built, vaguely pig-like humanoids, whose bottomless black eyes gleamed with malevolence and whose thick, powerful hands clutched crude, knobby clubs.

Apparently, she did.

"Fucking hell!"

Hinata and both Uzumakis blinked in shock, the dark haired girl reddening as she realized she was the one who'd used such foul language, the like of which was never uttered in the Hyuuga compound.

The orcs just raised their weapons and started forward.

* * *

><p>Today's chapter title is a line from the chorus of "Hammerfall" by the group Hammerfall on their album "Glory to the Brave." I recommend doing a search for them on YouTube, the video for "Stronger Than All" is simply amazing, and their songs "Any Means Necesary" and "Last Man Standing" are also damn good.<p>

I have a couple of fragments to work with for the "skip to something interesting" option, and more for when they return to reality, so for once I'm not just dangling this out there with no idea where to go next. None of them are remotely plot-like, unfortunately, just more training/filler and more crazy. Suggestions - particularly on integrating the opponents and backstory from Shippuden, now that it's moved on from focusing on Sucksuke and is worth following again - are welcomed. Given that the Uchiha are not the axis around which this world turns, it'll need some considerable jackhammering, but that's WHY I'm soliciting suggestions... There's not a lot of info on Medical Mechanica, either, but I don't have much in the way of qualms about just making that up outright, it's working with the exisiting material when I don't want to just copy it that's a hassle.

No, Haruko isn't talking about the Tobi who works with the Potato-yaros; him she'd probably either call "Ma-kun" or something unprintable. In this continuity, him acting like an idiot under the nickname could just be a particularly childish bit of posthumous spite. Being an Uchiha, thats probably the explanation.

EOF


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